My Oasis

Last Good Friday, while taking some shots of the Cenaculo parade, I saw this boy nonchalantly blowing bubbles as demo for the toys he was selling. I watched the bubbles as they were blown by the wind. The boy's breath gave life to the bubbles as they emerge from the pink pipe he was blowing. Some bubbles were able to fly so far I couldn't follow where they went. Some bubbles hit something on the way and immediately burst. Some did not fully form into bubbles and the liquid just dripped from the pipe.

I thought how those bubbles were like our dreams. When we were young, we dreamed. Some dreams so realistic that we found them easy to fulfill. Some died so soon at birth when we find that they were not realistic at all. Some dreams made us fly to places we never thought we would be.

So were my dreams at childhood. So are my dreams today. No matter if they were able to fly or died as soon as they were made, I never stopped dreaming. Never lost hope. Didn't worry too much to what my dreams will become or where they will take me. Just like the aimless eyes of the bubble blower, I keep blowing. And these dreams attract people. And hopefully, they will buy or believe in what I offer.

I never regretted pursuing my dreams because they brought me to where I am. They made me achieve things I never thought I could do. Just like today. I never dreamed I would one day take up photography. I didn't think I would have my wonderful family. My supportive friends. As performance experts would say, "Your reality starts in the mind."

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is calm, relaxing, and pretty much what you want. And it's something you've been anticipating for a while now. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

It seems that every organization or community has some rites of passage. Last Saturday I attended a baptism. Friends of the parents were there together with us, relatives. A party followed and as usual, it was flowing with food and drinks. Baptism among many Christian religions marks the acceptance of the person into the community of believers. Each step of the ritual has some significance and it is designed to remind everyone present of the beliefs that they are supposed to foster. In the Bible, Christ was circumcised which is the mark of a Jew.

In college, I underwent a rite of passage into a fraternity - an initiation. We were made to endure so many things including waking up so early in the morning to buy a bouquet of roses to be delivered to a master's girlfriend, or being asked to do something humiliating in front of other students. Besides the physical endurance thing, of course. Wearing a tie everyday during initiation was embarassing enough, but to be asked to sing in a radio program (complete with a rose for the lady announcer and the usual necktie) or to serenade a group of ladies in school or in the dorm is even more humbling. And then being branded like cattle was the final humiliation. But that was the price for entry and thinking about it now, was worth it.

I believe everyone pass through some form of rite of passage to be accepted in a group. Sometimes, without our consent, we were forced to go through them because everyone is expected to go through it. Just like Filipino boys. Almost everyone goes through circumcision before puberty. Being uncircumcised in the Philippines can be very embarassing.

There are other rituals. Like saying the Angelus at noon and at 6pm which is done even in SM malls. Or younger people greeting older ones by taking the elder's hand and bringing it to his forehead. Not as popular is the return gesture by the elder - making the sign of the cross on the younger's forehead. I remember my older relatives doing it. I hardly do it myself but thinking about it now, why not? It is a sign of reciprocity - the younger asking for blessing and the older giving it.

I just wonder what rite of passage does my photography group of friends have to go through? For now I guess, we have our signature pose. Hahaha.

While at a beach in Subic, i saw two children, a boy and a girl, seated side by side on the seashore, oblivious of everything else.  As if they were in their own private world.  Watching the waves playing on the water's surface.  Peace was on their faces.  Probably, contentment and happiness in their young hearts.

I remembered my first boyish love.  I think it's what they call "puppy love."  She came into the classroom dressed in black, her schoolbag in one hand and a black umbrella perched on her bent lower arm of the other.  She was a vision before my eyes.  I couldn't take my eyes off her as the teacher welcomed our new classmate who suddenly joined us a few months after school started.  Her doe eyes spoke of sadness but her regal demeanor made her so intriguing.  Her pilot-father died in a plane crash and the family decided to move back to the hometown.  She became my first crush and I would take all efforts to see her even on weekends, asking my playmates to go with me to play near her house hoping to see a glimpse of her.  This continued until I was in college, always finding a reason to see her. Sometimes our eyes would meet.  Or sometimes, I get to dance with her and I can feel the warmth of her hands. But I never gathered enough guts to tell her what I felt.  Even if I could see in her eyes that I had a good chance if I did.

Each one of us nurse a secret wish.  Sometimes,  something that seemed impossible to accomplish but still the yearning stays.  Motivating us to do a lot of things - making us  achieve even things other than that secret wish. In the end we say to ourselves that it was not meant to be.  So we pursue other loves until we finally settle down with one that we can love forever.  And the first love remains a dream but not forgotten.

In childhood, we built a lot of dreams.  Not useless dreams because they made us move later in directions we wanted and oftentimes, to other areas undreamed of. We hitched our wagons to these dreams and found a lot of things along the way.  In the process we got to learn more about life, love and relationships. 

New findings in psychology shows that our reality starts in our dreams.  The adage "to see is to believe" is now replaced with "what you see is what you'll be."  What we visualize in our dreams becomes our reality because our actions will tend toward achieving our dreams.  This concept is used in training athletes (mental conditioning).  The more we dream about it, the more we believe it and so, the more it becomes reality. 

Let's take our dreams seriously and see where they will lead us.

There is something about the water's edge that excites, at the same time, terrifies me deep inside.

While having snacks with friends in a restaurant beside a lagoon in Subic, I saw this landing with wooden planks which caught my interest. So, I went to have a closer look and found some planks missing or rotting away.  I thought that this was unsafe especially noting that a group of young people was there enjoying themselves a while ago.  Which brought me back to a childhood experience.

I was with my sister and a neighbor at the riverbank near our home.  My parents always reminded us not to play there.  But that late afternoon with a heavy overcast, the clouds pregnant with rain, we decided to pick some very colorful snails on the boulders at the edge of the river.  The river was swollen but that did not deter us from getting on the the big slippery rocks.  I strained myself to reach the more colorful snails on the next boulder.  Suddenly, I slipped and fell into the dark, cold water.  I flailed in panic, not knowing how to swim. I tried to shout for help but this only made me swallow a lot of water.  While underwater, I felt a hand hold mine, and then another.  It was my sister and our neighbor.  I was scared, not of losing my life, but of the scolding I would get from my mother. I never realized how this incident would have such an enormous impact on my way of thinking.  Looking back, I realized why I developed a phobia for water and never learned to swim, why I have become averse to risk and why I always look at something desirable from different angles before I do something to get it.

In life, we encounter instances where we are at our "water's edge" - between the safety of "land" and the unknown in deep water.  Many times,  we become attracted to something - similar to the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."  And we take risk, sometimes, inordinate risk, just to get what we want.  We forget the lessons taught us and we rush into action without considering the consequences.  Then we panic when we find ourselves in deep water and not having anything to keep us afloat.  Lucky are those with safety nets.

I find that we need safety nets - not only in our everyday life but also in work and in pleasure.  For me, the first safety net to develop is oneself - abilities, skills, know-how, etc.  One who has skills can easily find another job when he needs one.  Then there are things that we have earned and saved in the form of cash, property, and relationships.  These things we can go back to in times of need.  And the more and deeper these have been developed and nurtured, the bigger the safety net.  And this includes also our relationship with someone up there.

It's not bad to be risk-averse.  But it should not keep us from taking action on things we dream to do.  We only need to develop safety nets along the way so that when adversity comes, we have something to fall back to.  And from which we can rise up again ready for another battle.

Yesterday while I was conducting a training, I got an excited message from Chris. He was euphoric.  His grades for the previous semester were enough to merit a University Scholar. After all those presentations and term papers that he had to write, he finished the semester with flying colors.  I called him up during break and he was so excited.  I was very happy for him knowing all the hard work that he had done - juggling work, photography and school.

There are moments in our lives when all the hard work that we have done were rewarded abundantly.  Some people would complain that they are so unlucky to have so much workload, or problems, or pain in life.  But they pull through and after all these passed, they realize how stronger and wiser they have become.  One cannot realize how much potential he has until his talents are tested.  A deep river cannot be tested until the water level goes down to the rocks below the surface. Then all the frailties and obstructions are exposed and only then is one able to confront and maneuver around those obstructions.  Only then you will realize the extent of your creativity, strength of character and determination. 

I have learned that being deprived - of material things, emotional support, etc. - makes one strive to overcome those limitations.  This is how one builds his own person. And find a kind of happiness that goes beyond words.

Today i went with my sons to their airsoft games. Thanks to photography, I now have a reason to join them - to cover their games. Maybe, play photojournalist. I've been going out with them lately for what is turning out to be their weekly games. I enjoy taking the photographs, dodging the BB's but getting hit a few times, and especially the late lunches together after the games where we recall what happened during the games and having some laughs at some gauffaws, complaining about the zombies that won't die after getting hit, and just enjoying the meal. Today was a special treat of buffet lunch at Cravings instead of the usual McDo.

I never thought that being with my grown-up children would be that fun. Well, I do remember the good times we had when they were still children. But as they grew older, they drifted to their own "gimiks" with friends. But thanks to airsoft, and photography, we found something in common that somehow brought us back together. Just like old times. Now, I have more time to enjoy myself with the things that I really love to do.

I'm glad that this opportunity came. No, that's not exact. I'm glad that I took advantage of the opportunity, even if it was by impulse.

In life, a lot of opportunities come our way. But they don't have a big banner identifying them as such. I don't know how often but I would think that we pass up a lot of them because we hesitate, we are scared to venture into something new. Or maybe we didn't even know they were opportunities. Or we tried to take it up but got cold feet or lost enthusiasm and didn't pursue them further. Then when we realize what happened, it is already too late and we regret and say to ourselves, "maybe next time." Those who are too cautious would end up regretting. I only hope that I will be able to see those opportunities for what they are. And I hope that you will, too.

Last night, I went to a meeting in Makati. The security guard in the high-rise office building asked for an ID and the only one I had was my driver's license. On my way down from the meeting, I forgot to get back my license. It was only after I was at Guadalupe did I remember . But too late! The Edsa traffic was hardly moving on both sides and to go back would mean a big delay for me. I was mad at myself for being too engrossed talking to my colleague as we went out of the building.

A lot of times, we find that opportunity has left us because we failed to act or our attention was diverted and failed to see the opportunity. It's only after it's gone that we realize our loss. That loss can be the opportunity to say "I love you" to people we care about but were too busy with our own activities to take the time. And then we realize it when they could no longer hear us say those precious words. Sometimes, hurt feelings keep us from saying what we feel. Later, we realize how trivial those feelings were compared to a lifetime of love they showered on us.

For whatever reason, regret comes too late.

After so many days of rain, at last the sun came out today. So, off I went to the much-awaited visit to the Manila Zoo to take pictures of what were once wildlife. Yes, now they are kept in cages as exhibits or to put on shows for ogling visitors who could not otherwise come this close to them. Who is kept away from whom? The spectators or the wildlife?

Life in a sense is like a cage. We are bound by so many limitations such as physical, mental and emotional capabilities, cultural and religious beliefs. But somehow, some people manage to unshackle themselves of these chains and become pioneering spirits. But for many, they are in fact scared to be completely independent but have dependencies in one form or another. We need other people's friendship, love, nurturing and other forms of support. We need approval from others. In fact, many of us wear masks to give a front for things we don't want others to perceive. So, we pretend to be happy, to be carefree, to be self-sufficient when deep inside we have our disappointments, insecurities, regrets and needs. We expect others to be open to us and yet, we keep so many things within ourselves. Who is fooling who?

Today, I was in UP taking pictures of war games using airsoft rifles. They use plastic pellets which can still be a bit painful if it hits you directly. I thought of myself as a photojournalist covering a war. Although it was all make-believe and just a game (as the marshall rightfully reminded all the participants), the sense of realism was still there. I had to use some protective covering against the pellets, get bitten by insects, and hide behind the trees just like the rest. On the overall, I was practically a participant in the assault games they were playing. Although I couldn't feel the exhilaration of their victory, but going over the pictures I took gave me a sense of my own victory, nevertheless.

We can view life as a game, a make-believe. Especially when we cannot accept our situation or ourselves. And you keep dodging the harsh words and even physical abuse, thinking that if we do, that's all we have to go through. Forgetting that we can leave people, situations, places, but we can never leave ourselves. This is one reality that we cannot avoid. And so, we forgive ourselves, pamper ourselves, and be friends with our innermost being. Only then can reality be kind to us.

Those were the thoughts that ran in my mind as I position myself taking photographs and hiding behind the trees. Life is no different from the games we play.

While doing some photo-editing last night, I was also listening to the TV about Gary Valenciano's fight with diabetes and how he almost died (in fact his wife thought he was already dead). Then I realized how fragile life can be. But people just take it for granted. And that includes me most of the time.

Photography has taught me to capture every precious moment because they are so fleeting and a second chance may never come. Then you begin to look, not only what you immediately see, but from different perspectives. Then you realize that everything have their own beautiful and ugly sides, and it's up to you to look for that beauty side, especially of people. That things become more interesting up close. And so are relationships.

Twice recently, I saw a rainbow and I hurriedly got my camera. But each time, by the time I got back, the rainbow has faded and the night slowly creeping in. A few minutes more and the rainbow simply just became a hint of color and then swallowed by the darkness..

I guess we'd rather think that we can live forever and if our time comes, then let it be swift and quiet. Why worry about tomorrow when the present has enough problems and cares. I can't be Superman and be there for everyone. But then..... hhhmmm...... i still care..... for my family.... my friends..... sometimes even strangers.